4 more days...

I go back to school in four more days...I'm surrounded by a pile of mess that I just can't muster up the energy to put in boxes yet. Its so unbearably hot here, and my teeth ache from a recent brace-tightening. Packing sounds like a not-fun thing to do right now.

My summer was...uneventful. I worked two days a week at a law firm, filing and scanning and keeping out of the office manager's way. I went out with my best friend, Erin, a lot. We ate too much ice cream and drank too many Coke slurpees. My sister and I bashed each other constantly, and I saw Billy quite a few times.

Speaking of Billy, he took me to see "Billy Elliot: The Musical!!!!!!!!!!!" I've wanted to see this show since my 15th birthday, and this year, Billy took me to NY and brought me to see it on Broadway. It was outstanding.

I can't write...its so hot...I have so much to do...ugh.

10 Day Forecast: Gross

IT HAS BEEN RAINING ALL DAY, AND IT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO STOP FOR TEN DAYS.

Ten days. TEN! What is this?

This summer is turning out a little less like I imagined it would. For one thing, I have no job...well, scratch that. I've started a business with the boyfriend: www.writersinlove.com

Fine and dandy, if we'd actually get some customers. Ugh.

I spend my days sleeping or knitting or writing...a lot of writing, actually. More than I've ever thought I'd be interested in doing on my own time. I guess that's part of being a Creative Writing major.

My borthday is in two weeks! I'm not asking for anything, except maybe that someone helps me pay my phone bill, since I can't ,and my service has been cut off. Its sad. I have about $2.80 in my bank account. I love being a poor college kid!

I'm off on a terribly boring rant, aren't I? Sorry. Maybe I'll try again another time.

1:01am

GOOD MORNING!!!

I can't sleep. It may have something to do with the loooooong nap I took today...but the bed was so cool and the breeze was lovely blowing over my face from the open window...can I be blamed?

I'm home for the summer, and I HATE IT. Seriously, I hate it here. I love my parents, but I also can't stand them right now. It sucks. I know that my writing is less than eloquent, but misery makes my thoughts choppy.

I miss Billy, my loving boyfriend. I miss sitting in my friend Sam's "nest" on her bed back at school. I miss walking all over campus and having my own schedule. I miss making my own choices and I miss my lovely big bed.

My town is small. The people feel small. I'm not a fan.

In the two weeks I've been home, I've had to deal with a best friend's emotional boy crisis, my sister talking non-stop about prom next weekend, and the stress of being jobless after a tiff with the former boss at my last job, resulting in me quitting. Now, I sit at home and fill out applications while talking to Billy online or on the phone as much as I can. Sometimes I eat meals. Mostly I sleep.

Is it August yet? Billy and I are getting a place together next summer, or at least we're talking about it.

I need sleep. Yay eloquence!

I'm not studying for finals right now.

Nope.
I'm listening to the Flaming Lips, doing laundry with my boyfriend, and sort of glancing at my German book every few minutes.

I'm in a list mood, actually.

A list of things that are different...changes, accomplishments...life.

!) I'm nearly a sophomore in college. Wow? Wow.
@) I'm in love. 100% actually, really, head-over-heels in love.
#) I've lived through an entire year of college without once getting drunk. Sure, I had a drink or two. Doesn't effect me. Now, the weed, on the other hand. Yeah, I felt that.
$) I've lost a lot. Pens...papers...books...innocence.
%) I've gained a lot. Pens...papers...books...experience.
^) I got sick a few times this year. No colds or anything. Weird stuff, like ugly itchy skin rashes, the flu, and pinkeye.

I need more sleep. And I need to finish this German work and study for my chem final. Blah.

I like free stuff

Today was free cone day at Ben & Jerry's, and $.50 iced coffee day at Dunkin Donuts.
Why, you might ask, do I mention this?
All in good time, my dears. All in good time.

First of all, the weekend was great. Billy (my boyfriend) and I participated in campus scavenger hunts, community day festivities, and a long hike to the nearby Elizabeth Park, which happens to be the oldest municipal rose garden in the United States. The roses aren't in bloom yet, but we had a grand time strolling the pathways and feeding the giant coi fish in the ponds before heading back to campus for a cookout.

After a weekend full of sunshine, spent surrounded by loving friends and relaxing activities, you can, I'm sure, imagine my disappointment upon finding that things aren't so great at home. First Dad called...then my sister called...then Mom called..."This doesn't bode well," I thought.

I was right. Turns out, Mom asked Dad to move out for a while so that he can get his life under control. Without saying too much, I can't say I don't understand. I may even, to a small degree, agree with that. However, I can't, no matter how hard I try, focus on school and social events when my family is falling apart.

Am I angry? Oh, you bet I'm angry. I'm so pissed it hurts. Really? Did any of this need to happen? As my mom said to me when she called, I know more about my parent's marriage than any of her other friends. Maybe even more than they do themselves. I don't pretend to like it. It can, in fact, be a little horrifying at times, and I sometimes think I may know too much. This makes it all the more frightening when I hear that my dad isn't living at home until further notice, because I've watched it progress for so long.

Which ties back into my ice cream and coffee opener: What better way to unwind after two days of gruelling family loathing and upset than a scoop of Mint Chocolate Chunk and an iced hazelnut iced coffee with cream and sugar? I haven't been sleeping at all lately, so the coffee (my fourth today...oops?) helped a lot. Now I'm settling in to do my German homework. I have to be up early to model a dress made of coffee filters for a friend's art class.

I know that my father, at least, sometimes reads this blog. I won't censor it for his benefit. This is here for me to rant and share. I don't want him to call me or e-mail me about what I've written here today. I don't want to know what my parents think about how I'm feeling right now. I'm not going to be over this for a while. I don't want to talk to anyone with whom I share blood.

I'm so, so tired.

I have poison ivy all over my body.

Last few days of school before Easter weekend.
I need to replenish my chocolate suplply. I just at the last of my m&m cache, and am already feeling the effects.
Oh dear.

Its raining outside. I did some school stuff, and then had hot cocoa and soup before settling in for a nap. Now, I'm pretending to brainstorm for the five page play I have due tomorrow, while really just looking at the cool patterns left by the raindrops on my window and listening to Holst's "The Planets" (which is, in case anyone wondered, my most favorite piece of music ever written).

On Friday night, I went to a murder mystery party in which I played Angel Wood, the movie star who pisses everyone off and then dies, and M.C. Award, the main investigator who buys and collects evidence from all of the suspects at the party. The party was a blast, and I got to dress up in fancy clothes and say "It isn't easy being this glamorous." How much better can life get?




In other news, my body is being taken over by poison ivy blisters. My hands and torso and face are riddled with little raised bumps that ooze. Gross! I'm soooooo itchy, and calamine lotion isn't helping at all. Oh dear.

Let's see...oh yes! Housing for next year is done, and I found an awesome chair by the side of the road which now lives in my room. I'm knitting a sock. I still need to do my taxes. I need new contact lenses. I still have to pick my classes.

Life goes on.

Silly Putty

I've just returned from my first day of classes after spring break, and I feel as if I haven't slept in months. Why is this? It could have something to do with the fact that I slept until noon every day of vacation and then had to get up at 8am today. I've done that bfore, though, and it hasn't bothered me too much.

No, I'm tired from worry and stress and anger. Going home this week should have been relaxing, or at least a break from my normal dreary school days. Instead, I found myself torn to pieces by my sister, house guest, and even sometimes my mom.

I guess I'm just upset at how bad things have gotten between family members. The constant drama is like a Delorean trip back to middle school. Ew. Broken-down doors, screaming and crying, and my sister throwing books (and one time, a roll of toilet paper) at my head. My thumbs are picked to bloody pulp, thanks to my long-time habit of shredding my own fingers in times of fear or stress.

I'm glad to be back at school. The end of the year is so close, and every time I think of it, I get a little sad. I got my room selection number today. I have to pick my classes for next year next month. Why did it all go by so fast? I'm going to go fill out a job application and then play with silly putty until dinner. Its nice to be here.

Cadbury Mini Eggs will be the death of me, I swear

I mean, I've blown through nearly a whole bag in two days. It'll be gone by the time I go to bed tonight. The 8 pounds I lost giving up soda will be back by the time spring break ends, thanks to my early Easter candy buying habits. Oh dear.

In lighter news (HAHA! Get it?), I'm home for break. It's been delightful, for the most part. I say "for the most part" because my sister's being as bitchy as ever, but I expected that, so I'm not really too upset. When I do feel down about it, I text Billy and he generally makes it better. My mortality rate for this week looks pretty good, all things considered.

I've been knitting like crazy. I've finished one hat, and I'm midway through another for my mom. My problem is that I want to make stuff for EVERYBODY. I don't have nearly enough skills or yarn to do this, so I'm freaking out a little bit.

Oh, and I need a Chia Pet by Friday...where am I going to find one? More about that later. Don't want to ruin the surprise, in case someone reads my blog, though I doubt it.

I'm going to go eat more mini eggs and continue Mom's hat. Woot!

A Wishy Washy Wish

Last night, as I lay in bed about to pass out, I remember thinking "I really wish it would rain. Like, hard-core storm rain."

When I woke up today, the pavement on the road running past my building was shining with rain water, and there were puddles everywhere, rippling as more rain drops splashed into them.

It's been a lovely weekend. Dad came to see me on Friday night with some computer speakers, and we ended up getting dinner. I always forget how much I miss my parents until I see them. Finally, someone who understands (and most likely invented) all of my stupid jokes! Gogo Dad!

Then, yesterday, we went on a roadtrip! By "we," I mean my friends Sam, Amber, Mullica, and Zach. We hopped in Sam's tiny little car and drove the hour to Springfield, Mass. to go shopping at a crazy huge and awesome thrift shop there. Its called "Savers" and it was like a college student's shopping paradise: Jeans for four bucks, tacky cardigans and sweater vests, and the most awesome 90s clothing you forgot you used to own until you saw it in the vintage section of the shop...

We actually shopped for a few hours, which I rarely do. For $20, I got a dress, jeans, two tee shirts, a flannel overshirt, a toile cardigan, and a book. Wheee!

Afterwards, we made a stop at the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combo express, which we all agreed is one of the world's best inventions. Yay nachos!

And then, last night, after that epic shopping trip, my mom came to visit! She brought me my meds and a donut, and then we went out to eat, too. All weekend, I've just been eating and then resting and then eating some more. Oh well. I'll walk the long way to all of my classes this week or something.

Right now, it's still raining. I love rainy Sunday afternoons. I have a psychology test to study for, but I'm very sleepy, and my room is so cozy! I may need a nap before tackling the psych book...

OH! And my sea monkeys hatched. I'm a champion sea monkey killer, apparently, but this time, my batch lived through the hatching process! I now have an adorable tank of teeny tiny little brine shrimp in my window. Yay!

Oof. OK. Off to nap...

Happy? Oh word!

And, now we're back together.

I swear, I don't change boyfriends like I change my underwear. That would be terrible.

But dumping Romeo was a bad idea. It lasted all of a day, and then...lo and behold, we have another talk, and now he's all I think about.

Which is, in itself, a different problem. I should be focusing on school work. and I do. My grades are pretty awesome, as far as I know. But still. I don't like to have a guy on my mind all the time. It's distracting.

Oh well. I'm not terribly worried about it. I'm very happy, in fact. He's an angel. Minus the wings, halo, and dress.

So, now I'm going to go sit through more German class. And Frau is going to tell me I suck some more. I'm really looking forward to it.

:-P

Ef Em El

Today, I did something I didn't want to have to do. I broke up with my boyfriend.

We didn't have a long relationship, and I think it's better that way. He's one of the nicest, most caring and kind people I've ever met, but I just wasn't feeling a relationship in my life right now. I thought and thought and thought about it, and breaking up was the solution I finally came to, as hard as I tried not to.

I've been in great relationships as well as shitty ones. I've learned from all of them, and one thing I know is that when you are with someone, you think only of them. You want to be with them all of the time, and when you are with them, you don't even have to talk if you don't want to...or you can have amazing, in-depth convorsations. Either way is comfortable and warm and happy.

I wasn't feeling any of that.

It's so strange, though. I liked him...like him even still! He was kind and honest and romantically cheesey. Our first kiss was in a snow bank, with the flakes falling all around us. The only thing missing was that spark...the butterflies, you know?

It hurts. Terribly, it does. I feel so bad for having done this to him. He's angry, and I know it. Disappointed and hurt. I knew the second I told him that he wouldn't take it well, and that I'll be lucky if he speaks to me again. It's too bad. I enjoy his jokes, the laughs we've shared and the stories we've created in this semester and a half. I don't want to lose that. I hope he understands.

I love him for the few weeks of knowledge and insight we shared, as is shared between any two people in a relationship. Thank you.

I had a dream that the snow piled up to my 3rd floor window

Early this morning, I heard my phone vibrate three times...the sign of an incoming text message...at 5:30am?

SNOW DAY!!! Yes, even in college, there are snow days.

There is something so lovely about dreading a day full of hard classes, and then waking to find that they are all cancelled and that you can sleep until noon.

Which, of course, I did.

I went out in the snow for a bit with my friends and boyfriend. We attempted to build a snowman. We threw ice at each other. We got wet, and then came inside and thawed out. I hurt my knee.

But I don't care! It's a SNOW DAY!!! For once, I have a whole day to sit around in sweat pants. To drink tea and to watch movies and to talk to my friends without having to rush to class right away.

The floor on which I live has pretty much divided itself as of late. Nobody really talks anymore, and when they do, the tension is high. Today, I'm not thinking much about it. I'm sitting, cozy and warm, on my friend's bed. We're watching chick flicks. I'm a little hungry, so I'll probably venure out in the snow again soon to find dinner.

This reads like a journal entry...maybe it is. I'm feeling a little like I need that diary aspect in my life right now. Forgive me.

Apparently, I suck at laundry...

...and at keeping good roommate relationships going.

My roommate and I have gotten along splendidly since the beginning of the year. No fights, no hard feelings. We talk if there's an issue, and otherwise we basically stay out of each other's way and that's that.

Last night, I wrecked it.

I had my boyfriend over. My roommate went to bed. I wasn't going to kiss him. I really wasn't. We were just going to cuddle. I knew it would be rude and disrespectful to make out with him while she was in the room. I mean, ew!

Yeah. Didn't work out the way I planned.

And as soon as he left, my roommate FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. I don't blame her. I apologized over and over. She's still mad. I can tell.

Still, at this point, it's up to her. I did my part in apologizing. The boy is coming over later to do the same. He feels just as terrible ablout it as I do. And believe me, I do. Now, she can either accept or decline the apologies.

I know she told all the people on our floor. The girls come in and look at me weird before talking to my roommate and then leaving. One girl was in here chatting with my roommate, and when I came into the room from doing laundry, they both stopped talking and didn't say a word until I had left.

Great.

I feel terrible. Really, really horrible. I wish I could turn back time.

I know my roommate is going to call her mom and tell her about it. And, because I know she's a bit of a mommy's girl, her mother will hate me for doing her daughter harm. Oh yay.

I really like my roommate.

Dammit.

My hair isn't really red. And I like waffles.

Hullo, hullo, hullo!

Blogs. Some people laugh at them, and some are addicted to them. I personally have never been much interested in blogging. However, as of late, there have been some changes in my life and there isn't nearly enough grey matter in my head to hold it all anymore. I need an outlet. A place to spew.

I'm 18. A legal adult. I live on campus and study English. I may decide to double major in German as well. I have experienced, in my first semester alone, hookups, breakups, stress, pranks, and many other seemingly usual aspects of college life. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing outrageous.

As far as I know, in fact, most everyone on Earth will go through similar hardships, joys, and challenges as the ones I am now facing. I do not aim to harbor biterness or so gain sympathy in my writings. This is merely a way for me to vent. To say what I'm thinking without talking off a friend's ear in the process.

I love my life. I love every moment of it for the lessons I am learning about being an adult, and for the fun I am having as one who is still a child inside.